


From the Depths Of My Soul

by BettyHT



Series: The Secret Spring [2]
Category: Bonanza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 12:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16197197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyHT/pseuds/BettyHT
Summary: Adam struggles with Patricia's medical issues and mental health problems, and faces one blow after another. He wonders how he will be able to continue doing all that he is doing especially in caring for their young son. The problems and pressures will cause him to seek help, and he will get more than he bargained for in that too.





	From the Depths Of My Soul

From the Depths of My Soul

Chapter 1

"What will you tell him when he asks a more pointed question?"

"Pa, Chris is only four. I have a few years yet to worry about that. For now, he knows there's a baby in his mother's tummy, and that baby will soon be here. That's all he needs to know."

Chuckling a little at how nervous Adam seemed to be with Chris' question and now his own, Ben had to add just a little. "I would love for Patricia to be there when you have to tell him. Inger listened when I explained a few things to you after Hoss was born. I was nervous and trying to do things just right, and she was sitting in the wagon with the baby and laughing. That certainly didn't help. By the way, how is Patricia feeling? She looked so pale at dinner Sunday."

"She says she's fine, but Doctor Martin thinks that being with child is sapping her energy this time. He doesn't know why. He thinks that the baby isn't growing as fast as he should. By our best calculations, she's in her seventh month." Adam delivered the news almost in a monotone.

It was Ben's turn to be uncomfortable. Elizabeth had been like that. She had grown weaker when she was carrying Adam who had been born small. Of course, Chris had been small at birth too and showed no ill effects from it. He was a healthy growing child who looked a lot like Adam had at that age for he had gotten a lot of the characteristics of his father with darker skin and dark hair. His eyes were a lighter color like his mother's though. However he had apparently inherited Adam's questioning nature and asked 'why' more often than anyone could have imagined. It was probably because they were settled now and his question was almost always answered. On the trail, Adam often had to wait for an answer because there was so much to do.

"What are you thinking, Pa? You seem to be off in another world."

"I was just remembering that Chris was small too when he was born, but he's fine now."

"And you weren't thinking about my mother and that I was small at birth, and then my mother died." Ben tried to avoid eye contact at that point, and Adam had his answer. "You've told me a number of times that she wasn't in good health and got weaker and weaker. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I'm worried, Pa."

"But Patricia is a strong woman. She should be fine."

"Pa, there have been some things I haven't told you. Paul said it could be because of carrying the baby, but Pa, Patricia has been saying and doing some strange things lately."

That Ben had known far too well. He as well as Hoss and Joe had noticed Patricia saying some odd things. Two weeks earlier, Hoss had been upset and wanted to tell Adam something that Ben had advised him not to divulge. He remembered that conversation that had occurred when Adam had been in San Francisco.

"Pa, she kissed me."

"Who kissed you?" Obviously upset, Hoss had turned away so that Ben almost didn't hear what he said, and even though he did, he hadn't wanted to believe it. "Hoss, you can tell me. Who kissed you?"

"Patricia kissed me, Pa. I swear, Pa, I didn't do anything to make her do that, but she said she could tell I wanted her. Pa, I would never ever do anything like that. She's a pretty woman, but she's Adam's wife."

Ben had been carrying the burden of his own secret. "Hoss, I know that. There's something I should tell you too. Patricia didn't kiss me, but she asked me to spend the night with her."

With eyes opened wide in shock, Hoss turned to his father. "What did you say?"

"Of course, I said no. She said she was lonely with Adam gone and that I must be very lonely after all these years alone. She said we could comfort each other. Hoss, I thought perhaps it was that she was with child and acting a bit irrationally, but she has hinted since that the invitation is still open."

"Pa, what're we gonna do?"

"Hoss, I don't know what we can do. You know how angry and upset Adam will be if we say anything. Perhaps we need to let this ride for a time until the baby is born. Maybe that's all it is, and she may even be embarrassed about her behavior."

That conversation seemed to be indelibly etched in his mind, and now Ben listened as his son also expressed concerns about his wife's behavior.

"Pa, I came home two days ago, and Patricia was so proud. She said she had managed to weed the whole vegetable garden so I wouldn't have to do it. When we went out to look at it later, all the plants were gone. She pulled everything. It was just bare dirt. She looked at me like she was so proud, but I asked where the vegetable plants were. She broke down in tears because I wasn't happy with what she had done. Then when we were together as a family, Chris wouldn't go anywhere near her. He wanted to hide behind Bao Yu's skirts or be with me. I tried to get Patricia to tell me why. I asked if he had done something wrong and been punished. She said no that Chris just didn't like being near her any more. I know she did something, but Chris can't express himself well enough to tell me, and she won't. He spends all of his time with Bao Yu when I'm not there."

"Is there something else? When you look away from me as you're talking, I always suspect there's something more and perhaps worse that you don't want to say." Ben had noticed that Adam was losing weight and often had circles under his eyes. However he often saw him with Chris and Adam was always happy then. Now Ben knew though that his son was deeply troubled. He thought Adam needed to get it out because it was eating away at him.

Adam took a deep breath and expelled it and that let Ben know that he had hit the mark with his question. Adam had something to say but didn't want to say it and didn't know how. There was an uncomfortable silence for a minute although it seemed more like an hour had passed. Finally Adam choked it out. "Patricia told me that you and Hoss have tried to seduce her. She said she did everything to discourage you that she could but that you wouldn't stop. Pa, I know it's not true, but why would she tell me that? Why would she want to hurt me like that?"

Suffering because of the pain his son was enduring, Ben offered what little advice he could devise in such an unusual situation. "Perhaps when it's just the two of you having some quiet time together, you could try to talk with her."

Dropping his head, Adam closed his eyes and struggled to tell his father the rest. He had never found it easy to tell his father his troubles. He always felt that he had failed somehow when things didn't go well or go the way his father would like them to go. This was especially difficult because it involved the other person that Adam loved as deeply as his soul. "Pa, we don't have much quiet time together. Ever since Patricia's mother died, she doesn't want to be with me. It's rare for us to be close enough to touch each other. She pulls away at almost any attempt I make to be close to her. It's a miracle she ever got with child anyway."

Ben put his hand on Adam's shoulder and squeezed. If it had been Joe, Ben would have hugged him and let him cry it out, but Adam was more reserved and wouldn't have appreciated too much contact at this point. Ben always suspected that Adam shed his tears in private most of the time because such a passionate man would not be able to hold it all in forever.

Ben tried to be comforting. "Perhaps when she delivers this child, things will get better. Her mother's death and then to be carrying a child is a terrible strain on a woman."

"I don't think it's being with child that has caused this. I've talked with Paul and he said maybe, but I don't think he believes that either. I think it started sooner than that." Knowing how difficult it must be for Adam to tell him these things, Ben was nevertheless shocked at his next statement. "I think Patricia helped her mother die."

"What?" Knowing that his father had liked Vi very much and had been almost as heartbroken as Adam and Patricia at her death ten months earlier from the flu, Adam knew that revelation would be the most shocking. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Because she's been dropping hints about how her mother was suffering so much, and no one would do anything to help her so she had to do something. Then she asked me if I knew that there are plants that speed up the heart rate, and if you have too much, your heart stops. I remembered that Paul said he was surprised when Vi died because he didn't think her flu was that bad but that her heart had been unable to keep up with the strain. Now I have to wonder what really happened."

"Have you talked to Paul about it?"

"Yes, and I talked to doctors in San Francisco while I was there. They're all baffled. No one has an answer. Paul said he was researching some things and would tell me if he found anything. That's where I sit. I feel so helpless."

"All you can do is love her and do your best. From the sound of it, perhaps it might be good if Chris stays over here when you're gone."

"Pa, that's what I was hoping you would say. I didn't know if that would be too much of an imposition, but I'm afraid for him now." Ben understood then why Adam had opened up to him. He was afraid for his son.

"Go home and get him. I'll watch him today, and we'll work something out for the rest of the time. I love that little guy so much, I can't bear the thought of something happening to him."

Adam shrugged in near defeat. His father was as worried about Patricia doing something to Chris as he was. It wasn't overreacting then, and that scared him more than anything. His marriage and his wife were spiraling out of control, and he didn't know what to do about it. It made him feel less than adequate, but at least he could do something to keep his son safe.

Chapter 2

"Adam, you know how Joe is. He's heard us say a few things that made him wonder, and now he's asking all sorts of questions. He ain't gonna let it go."

"Tell him then. I just don't have the energy for another talk like that. If I find out she's been trying to seduce my little brother, it could make just lose whatever control I still have. I'm trying so hard to keep things as normal as I can for Chris, but it's just so hard."

Hoss put his hand on Adam's shoulder as his older brother dropped his head. They had been doing herd counts, but the day was beastly hot so they had stopped in the shade of a grove of trees. It was cooler there and both men and horses were grateful for the relief except Hoss wondered if Adam ever really got relief these days. He looked so haunted most of the time although his face brightened every time he saw his son. Hoss was thinking that a mental illness like Patricia's was harder on the family than on her. According to Adam, she seemed completely unaware that life had changed so dramatically. Adam was still trying to run his own business part-time, do his part on the Ponderosa, be a father to Chris, and care for his wife. Hoss thought that was an awful lot and probably too much for one man to bear.

"You know I'll help you with anything I can. Pa and Joe too."

"I know, and I thank you, but I can't get any answers from anyone on what to do. I feel so helpless sometimes with no idea how to proceed. If there was just a diagnosis so we could work on a treatment. Even Hop Sing doesn't have a tea or a salve for this."

"Maybe it'll get more clear once she has the baby. Maybe loving that little thing will bring her heart and her mind back to what's important."

"Hoss, we can pray that's true, but I think that's never going to happen, and I have no idea what I'm going to do about that. How can I care for an infant and do everything else too?"

"You lean on us, older brother, you lean on us."

Adam could only nod, and they mounted up to finish the day's work so Adam could go home. Every day, he would pick up Chris at the main house when he finished working on the ranch and then head for his house clearly worried about what he would find when he got there. In the evenings, he frequently worked in his office and Chris would stay there with him. At night, he slept in the upstairs guest room after trying to visit with his wife, and talking with her for a time when she was in an agreeable mood.

Every day including Sundays for the next month, Adam and Chris visited with his father and brothers. Patricia seldom accompanied them. Adam said she had retreated to her bedroom and rarely came out. She persisted in her stories about Ben and Hoss claiming their unwanted attentions explained her need to hide in her bedroom. Adam was glad he had confided in his father, and later had the same kind of talk with Hoss who also told Joe what was happening. Now they could speak freely with each other and that eased the tension somewhat for Adam when he wasn't at home.

At his home, either Bao Yu or Adam brought meals on a tray to Patricia. Sometimes she ate and sometimes she threw the tray against the wall. Paul lectured Patricia on eating better for the baby's sake, and she always cried then and promised she would. The promises didn't last. As she entered the last month of her pregnancy, she looked like she was only about two-thirds of the way. The baby was obviously very small and Paul feared for the baby's health for that reason as well as others. What he suspected as the cause of much of the trouble could only be confirmed with the birth of the child. Paul feared that his suspicions were true as Patricia's dementia increased far beyond anything he had seen with a pregnancy. He didn't have too long to wait.

Patricia went into early labor. Paul had warned Adam it could happen but had not told him why. Adam thought that Paul had a theory, and that Paul had not shared it frightened him badly, but he prayed that there would be some kind of successful resolution of Patricia's struggles. He was awakened in the middle of the night by Patricia's screams. When he entered their bedroom, he found her standing next to the bed. Her water had broken, but she had no idea what was wrong. He tried to be soothing but found it impossible to get her to lie back in the bed after he helped her into a dry gown.

"You just want to use me. That's all you ever want. I won't get in that bed so you can just forget it. Go away. Now! Go away! I don't want you!"

"Sweetheart, you're having the baby. You need to rest in the bed. This is going to be very difficult, and you need to get in the bed." Adam stepped closer to her and took her arm but she fought him as he tried to maneuver her back into the bed. "Where do you want to be?" Patricia settled in the rocking chair where she had nursed Chris years before. When Bao Yu came to the door, Adam told her to sit with Patricia. He walked into Chris' room and rolled his small son into a blanket.

"Papa, it's dark. I'm tired."

"I know, but it's all right, Chris. I have to go to Grandpa's house, and I need you to sleep over there for the rest of the night. Can you do that for papa?"

"I don't want to."

"Please, Chris, please help your papa. I need you to do this."

"All right, Papa.

As swiftly as he could, Adam carried Chris to the stable, saddled his horse, and then rode to the main house. It was very dark and there was no moon, so the ten-minute ride took more than twice that amount of time. Adam knocked on the door and was relieved when Hop Sing was quickly there to answer it.

"Patricia is having the baby early. Can you wake Pa while I get Chris settled in the room down here?"

Hop Sing hurried away, and Adam pushed open the door to the downstairs guest room. Chris cried that he wanted to sleep in the room upstairs where he always slept.

"Grandpa is coming with me to our house. You need to sleep here because Hop Sing will hear you if you need anything. Upstairs, no one might hear you."

"Uncle Hoss or Uncle Joe would hear me."

"Uncle Hoss snores very loudly and wouldn't hear you, I'm afraid. Uncle Joe will be riding to town to get the doctor. Now this is another thing that you have to do to help your papa. Please?"

Too tired to argue any more and not understanding the import of what his Uncle Joe would be doing, Chris let Adam tuck him into the bed. Adam lit a lamp and turned it down to it's lowest point with just enough light that Chris could see where he was if he awakened before dawn. That was still a few hours away. When Adam left the bedroom, his father was there, dressed, and ready to go.

"I already woke Joe and told him to ride for the doctor."

"It's very dark tonight because there's no moon. Tell him to take it easy. I don't want him getting hurt."

"You can tell me yourself. I'll be careful, but if Patricia needs the doctor, I'll go as fast as I can." Joe was walking down the stairs with his boots in his hand.

"Do you need Hop Sing to come with us?" Ben thought he might be able to help.

"Bao Yu has been a midwife for a lot of births. I think she'll manage just fine until Paul can get there. Pa, Patricia didn't even know what it meant when her water broke."

Shaking his head in understanding and sympathy, Ben grabbed his hat and holster. Let's get going then. Bao Yu is probably wondering where we are."

As they walked to the stable, Joe put his hand on Adam's shoulder. The unanticipated gesture made Adam have to choke down a sob. Tears escaped his eyes no matter how hard he tried to control them. Joe and Ben said nothing. Like Hoss, both had suspected for a long time that Adam was holding too much in and trying to do too much. It was threatening to overwhelm him, and neither Ben nor Joe had any good idea of what to do to take any of the pressure from him. In silence, Ben and Joe saddled their horses with Adam helping as much as he could. Within minutes, all three mounted up to head out.

Nearly an hour had passed since Adam had left Bao Yu sitting with Patricia who had started labor. As Adam and Ben neared the home, they could hear screaming. Adam raced to his home and upstairs. He found Bao Yu struggling to restrain Patricia who was trying to take some laudanum. Bao Yu was trying to tell her it would harm the baby, but Patricia didn't seem to understand. Adam grabbed the envelope of powder away from her and that caused her to scream at him.

"You're hateful. You hurt me all the time, and now she won't let me take anything for the pain. I hate her. I hate you, too. Leave me alone. Everyone just leave me alone."

"Patricia, sweetheart, you're having your baby. You need to lie down."

Another contraction hit causing Patricia to double up with the pain. Adam used the opportunity to pick her up and carry her to the bed. She tried to fight him scratching his neck and face before he was able to grab her hands. That's how they were sitting when Doctor Martin arrived two hours later. Adam held Patricia's arms keeping her in bed and preventing her from hurting him or herself. Bao Yu did what she could to ease the delivery. Ben had come in and cleaned the blood from Adam's face and neck and found some salve for the scratches. Then he did what he could offering sips of water to Patricia. Ben boiled water and got scissors, string, blankets, and towels as requested. When Joe returned, he helped carry things to the bedroom. All was ready for the baby to arrive. Soon after Paul's arrival, the baby crowned and was quickly delivered. Patricia collapsed in relief, but Adam, Paul, and Bao Yu were deeply worried.

Chapter 3

"Adam, all you can do is hold her and soothe her. She won't last long."

Not hearing clearly what Paul had said and perhaps unwilling to accept it even if he had, Adam responded. "Paul, we have to feed her. She'll die otherwise."

"Adam, if you feed her, it will only prolong her suffering. She is in pain. She's writhing like that because of severe discomfort. She doesn't even have the strength to cry. The most humane thing to do is hold her, keep her as warm and comfortable as you can, and let her go. I've sedated Patricia now. She wouldn't likely nurse the baby anyway. She doesn't even seem to know she had a baby. She told me you were hurting her until I came, and she wants me to keep you away from her."

Holding his precious daughter to his chest, Adam's face was contorted with agony and the tears he was trying so desperately to hold back. He could only choke out a few words. "Paul, there's no hope for my daughter?" Paul shook his head. He was almost in tears himself. "Can you do anything for her?"

"I could put some laudanum under her tongue. It would take away any pain she is feeling, but in her condition, it could bring the end closer too."

"Help her, Paul. I can't bear to have her suffer if she won't get better."

Opening his bag, Paul took out some tincture of laudanum and had Adam tip his daughter back. Opening her mouth, he placed a small amount under her tongue." She'll swallow it now slowly. It should relieve any pain she is feeling and put her into a deep sleep."

"Paul, what about Patricia? Will she get better now?"

There was the question Paul dreaded answering. Adam was avoiding looking at him and kept his eyes only on the bundle in his arms, but Ben saw Paul's look and knew the news was only going to get worse for his son. "Adam, Patricia will never get better. She's going to get much worse before the end."

With that, Adam did look up but with disbelief written in his features. "The end? Are you saying she's dying?"

Paul could only nod. He had not wanted to have this conversation so soon after the emotional trauma that Adam had already suffered and that which he would have to endure in the next day, but he should have known Adam would ask those questions.

"Why? Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there must be something that can be done?"

"If the disease had been caught early, perhaps then it could have been cured. There have been some remarkable results using a treatment a potassium tartrate of iron on the sore or sores when they first appear. But I've researched and read everything I could find and consulted with every doctor I know who might have an answer. No one has heard of any treatment of this disease when it has progressed this far."

"When it first appeared? Paul, what does she have?"

"Adam, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but I think that Patricia has the pox. From the little I know of her past and her belief in free love, she was probably infected during that time."

For a moment, Adam was deep in thought and looked intensely worried too. "Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be. All of her symptoms are consistent with that diagnosis. The early arrival of your daughter and her low weight, her lack of color, and her lethargy also support that diagnosis."

"But then she must have had it when I married her." Realization of another fact made Adam flinch as if in pain. He struggled to ask the next question. "Is Chris infected? He was small at birth and arrived early too."

"Chris is not infected. Babies who are born with it look like your daughter. If they survive and are delivered, they're weak, listless, gaunt, have poor color, and usually don't even cry. Most often, thank God, they are stillborn. Chris would have exhibited symptoms like that at birth if he was infected, and if I recall correctly, he could wail as loud as any baby ever could. He has grown normally and is even brighter than a normal child. That would not have happened if he was infected."

However Ben was even more worried. "Paul, what about Adam?"

"I'm sorry but I can't tell. He may have had the sore or sores and thought it was something else. He could have it or not. At this point, I'm thinking he probably doesn't because Chris doesn't. Patricia was likely in a dormant stage of the disease. It is most infectious in the early stage. It's unlikely she has transmitted it lately except to her daughter who shared her internal fluids when the disease flared."

Adam was suddenly grateful that Patricia had spurned almost all of his advances in the previous year and especially because they had not been intimate at all since she had discovered she was carrying another baby. Ben was thinking the same thing because Adam had told him that the two of them had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for many months.

"Adam, she scratched you rather badly. If any of those don't heal or if you see a sore anywhere else on your body, you need to come to me immediately. I can treat it. I ordered what I would need just in case. I've left extra laudanum for Patricia. It might be best if you keep her sedated for the next few days until she can recover from the delivery. She's not going to understand why she hurts so much."

Adam had sat down in a chair with his daughter resting against his chest. He felt like he was in the midst of a nightmare and couldn't wake up. Ben answered Paul when he realized that Adam probably didn't even hear him. "We'll take care of them, Paul. Do you want one of us to drive the carriage for you? You haven't had any sleep."

"None of you have been sleeping either."

"I'm sure that Hoss is well rested and would do that for you. He can tie Chubb to the back of the carriage and ride back when you're safely home." Ben suspected that Paul was suffering emotionally as well. Paul's next words confirmed for Ben how tired the doctor must be.

"Thank you, Ben. I would appreciate that."

The two men walked outside as Joe looked at them. Ben nodded toward Adam, and Joe understood. He would stay by his brother's side to help if needed. After about an hour, Adam looked up to see Joe sitting and staring at the cold fireplace. "Joe, why don't you go see if Bao Yu has made breakfast. I could use a cup of coffee if she has. Thank her for me please for all the help she gave us last night."

Breakfast was almost ready. Bao Yu asked if she should take something to Patricia, and Adam told her that she was probably sleeping yet. He asked Joe to check and that was what he found. "Joe, she'll need a dose of laudanum in about an hour. If I go up there, she's going to scream and rant. She could get violent again. Would you go up to give her something to drink? Bao Yu can put the laudanum in it."

"I can do that for you. Pa should be back soon. I'm sure he'll help."

"Where did he go? I don't remember him or Paul leaving."

"He went to get Hoss to drive Paul back to town. He was going to stay with Chris until Hoss got back. We'll take turns with Chris to keep him busy so he doesn't worry about what's happening here. I'll pack some things for him when Pa gets here so he has what he needs over at the house. He can stay there until things are, uh, well, until you're, ah, ready to have him back."

Adam knew exactly why Joe couldn't say what he was thinking. He would be ready to take care of Chris when his daughter died and was buried. If Paul was correct, it could be less than a day. His daughter lay cradled against his chest. His hands nearly covered her tiny body. He could barely tell that she was still alive and knew it wouldn't be much longer. He sipped the coffee that Bao Yu had brought to him. He needed to stay awake until this was over no matter how long it took. He had to take care of his wife and take care of Chris, but for the time being, he would let others help with that. He would take care of his daughter. When Ben returned, he did help Joe give a drink laced with laudanum to Patricia. They told her it would ease her pain, and she eagerly drank it sinking back down into sleep within an hour. Joe headed back to the main house then, and Hoss arrived a short time later. He didn't know what to say so he simply put his hand on Adam's shoulder and then sat in a chair and waited with him. Ben took another chair and sipped coffee too. He would not sleep while his son suffered so. He would be there for him as Adam was there for his daughter.

"What is her name?"

Startled after the long silence, Adam took some time to process what had been asked. "We were going to call her Violet, Violet Elizabeth Cartwright. I guess that's her name then."

"That's a right purty name, Adam." Hoss knew what he wanted to say next but wasn't sure if he should or not. Ben guessed what he might be thinking and nodded to let him know he should say it. "I could carve a marker for her with that name, ifn you want me to."

Adam choked out a thank you and then dropped his chin to his chest as the tears came. He couldn't stop them any more. His face contorted in emotional pain, Adam's tears flowed freely. He got control back slowly. When he looked up, he could see that his father and Hoss had shed tears with him. He still had Violet pressed tightly to his chest but his hand could no longer feel that tiny heartbeat or the air moving in and out of those damaged lungs. He lowered his arm and held her in the crook of his elbow as he checked. There was no heartbeat and no breathing. His little angel had quietly slipped away and gone to heaven.

[The Pox was an eighteenth century term for syphilis. By the mid1850s, there were reports in magazines like The Lancet about the successful treatment and cure of primary syphilis using various compounds of iron. No ones seems to have reported even a treatment of the disease if it had progressed beyond the initial infection.]

Chapter 4

As Adam stood with the body of his daughter in his arms, Ben offered to help him build a coffin for her. "No, I gave her life, and now I'll give her rest. I need to do this for her. There's nothing else I can do for her." Silently, Hoss followed Adam out of the house. Soon Ben heard the sound of a saw and later, a hammer. Hoss came in later to tell Ben that Adam was carrying the tiny coffin to a spot he had chosen for his daughter's resting place. Ben grabbed a Bible that sat on Adam's desk in his office, and the two of them went out to help Adam bury his second child. It was getting dark so the two of them carried lanterns with them. They found Adam under a tree up the slope from his house.

"I'll build a small picket fence to put around this spot. Hopefully there won't be any more residents for a long time."

That was all Adam could say. He knew as they did that Patricia would likely join her daughter there within a short time as the disease ravaged her body as well as her mind. It didn't take long to finish digging the grave. Then the three men lowered the tiny coffin to Adam who placed it at the bottom of the grave. He climbed out. Hoss had picked up the shovel and began dropping dirt in the hole. Adam stood and found his mind was blank. He had no ideas and could think of nothing to say. His father began to read passages from the Bible, and a few of the words filtered through but mostly it was his father's warm tones that helped and made it seem like a fitting ceremony for Violet who had lived less than a day. After filling the grave, Hoss used the shovel to pound in the marker.

"I'm gonna carve a better one for her. This one will do until then. All right, Adam?"

Nodding because it was all he could manage to do, Adam turned to walk back to the house. Hoss stepped up beside him on one side and his father on the other. The three returned to the house. Adam went up to see about Patricia and found her still sleeping. He left instructions with Bao Yu to give her another dose of laudanum if she awakened, and then left with Ben and Hoss to go see Chris who would stay at the main house for a few days until Adam could come up with a plan of how to handle everything he needed to do. He was barely able to function at the moment. He did his best to reassure Chris that all would be well for him.

"Your Mama is sick. She needs to rest and have lots of peace and quiet. The baby isn't with her any more. She went up to heaven to be with the angels instead."

Ben had to choke back his tears with Chris' question and wondered how Adam could keep any composure at all. "Papa, she went all alone? Won't she be scared?"

"The angels in heaven will care for her. My mother is in heaven with my stepmothers. They can help take care of your little sister."

"I had a sister?"

"Yes, her name is Violet."

"Papa, don't let the angels take me, all right? I don't want to go to heaven. I want to stay right here with you and Mama."

"Heaven is a good place, but you and I are staying right here for now. The two of us can handle anything, right?"

"Right! Papa, can I sleep here at Grandpa's house? I like staying here. I wish you could stay here with me."

"At the moment, I would like nothing better, but Mama is sick, and I have to go take care of her. I'll be back here tomorrow morning to see you. Now, you mind Grandpa and your uncles and do whatever they tell you to do. I don't want to hear that you gave anyone any trouble."

"Yes, Papa, I'll be good. Will you read me a story or sing me a song before you leave?"

"How about if we sit on the porch and look at the stars? The night is clear, and maybe we'll see your sister's star up there."

"Really? Let's go."

So they went out and sat on the edge of the porch. When Adam was able to get Chris to see the Big Dipper, he told him that was where his mother and stepmothers were, and now Violet was with them. "That's our constellation, son. Whenever you need some help, look to those stars and say a prayer. Maybe they can get some angels to come help you."

"Papa, you're the only angel I need. I'll ask you if I need help."

Sitting at his desk unable to concentrate on any of the work that lay there, Ben heard the conversation. Tears flowed freely when he heard Chris say that to his father because Ben knew just how much more trouble Adam and Chris faced. Adam was going to have to draw on every last reserve of strength he had, and Ben could only hope it would be enough.

"Now I need to get home. I'll tuck you into bed before I go though. Would you like that?" Chris didn't need any encouragement for that one. He rushed inside to change for bed so that Adam would tuck him in. Ben waited until Adam was done and then asked if he needed some help with anything.

"Pa, I need so much help now that I don't even know what to ask for."

"You need some sleep. I'll be over first thing in the morning. We can talk then when you've had some rest."

Thanking his father and brothers for all their help, Adam left. Hoss and Joe were as concerned as Ben with Adam's state of mind.

"Pa, you think one of us oughta go stay over there tonight. You know, just in case?"

"Hoss, that's probably a good idea, but Adam didn't ask. I don't want to push him too much. Maybe, though, if you rode over and offered, he might say yes."

Not needing any more encouragement than that, Hoss grabbed his hat and holster and left the house. Joe looked at his father.

"How long do you think this will take?"

Ben knew what he meant. He had wondered the same thing but had no experience with something like it. "I don't know, Joe. Maybe tomorrow we can find more out from Paul. He's been researching this for quite some time apparently."

"Why didn't he tell us before?"

"He wasn't sure until he saw Violet. Then he knew because that confirmed his suspicions. There's no treatment, and no way of knowing what else will go wrong before the end. This is so hard for Adam. He lost his daughter, and he's already lost his wife. Anything he knew of her and loved is gone, but he has to take care of her physically until she passes."

"It's kinda like our neighbor, Tom Dardanelle. When his wife died, people wondered why he didn't seem sad. He said he had mourned her loss when her mind left her. He said it was more of a relief than anything when her body followed. Some said he was hard-hearted to think that way, but now I really understand what he meant."

"But you know your brother. He may likely find some way to blame himself for what happened and then have guilt too about how he feels toward her now. Mourning two losses, blaming himself, and feeling guilty. I'm worried what will happen to him."

"Adam's pretty strong, Pa. He's been through a lot, and he's still here."

"Yes, but all of that adversity changed him. He got that standoffish attitude and sometimes he's surly. You know how he can be. I have to wonder what he would be like if he hadn't suffered through so much especially when he was so young. I think he would be more like Chris. A loving, curious boy who trusts his family implicitly and is secure in their love for him."

Joe had a difficult time thinking of Adam as insecure. He always seemed so confident and sure of himself. What he had seen that day though made him wonder if his father was correct. Perhaps Adam was driven by a need to prove himself worthy of love and needed those around him as much as anyone else. Maybe he wasn't so independent and cocksure of himself as Joe had thought for he had seen vulnerability in his brother that he had never known existed.

At Adam's house, Hoss found Adam in the stable rubbing down Sport. "Did I forget to do something?"

"Nah, I just came over to see if you needed help. I'm the only one who got a full night's sleep last night. I can finish taking care of your horse and do any other chores you need doing. I'll stay the night ifn you want me to."

On the verge of declining, Adam instead welcomed his brother to his home. "Thank you. I don't know that there's anything else to do, but I'll rest easier knowing there's someone here to help me if I need it. I'll sleep in Chris' room and you can have the guest room."

When Hoss came inside and went up to the guest room, he heard Adam telling Patricia about the baby. Hoss left the guest room door open so Adam could say something if he wanted to when he finally got to turn in for the night. About an hour later, Adam stood in that doorway.

"She wondered where the baby was. She said she remembers carrying a baby but now she isn't. I tried to tell her what happened as briefly as I could, but I don't think she understands any of it. She's sleeping again with the help of some laudanum, and I'm going to try to sleep too."

After bidding his brother good night, Adam removed his pants and shirt before falling across Chris' bed. Tears flowed again, and for the first time since he was a child, he cried himself to sleep. He was awakened hours later from a deep sleep by a blow to his chest and some pain. It wasn't a lot but enough to wake him. In the dim moonlight that lit the room, he saw a reflection from a blade as it was descending and turned to his side as rapidly as he could to try to escape. He felt a searing pain across his back, but his assailant fell across him too because of his move. Adam fought the pain and grabbed his assailant only to find it was Patricia.

"You hurt me and took my baby. You killed my baby, and you sent Chris away. You're evil."

Some of the rest that she said was undecipherable but loud enough to wake Hoss who appeared in the doorway with a lamp. What he saw shocked him for there seemed to be a lot of blood on the bed, on Adam, and on Patricia. Adam was struggling to hold Patricia so Hoss grabbed her from behind and pulled her away from the bed.

"Lordy, Adam, there's a lot of blood. Where's she hurt?"

Falling back on the bed, Adam choked out a response. "The blood is all mine. She's not hurt. Please, Hoss, I need help."

By then, Bao Yu was at the door. Hoss told her to go get some rope. He knew that he needed to restrain Patricia so they could help Adam. Once Hoss had wrestled Patricia back to her bed, he and Bao Yu restrained her there, and then Hoss rushed back to see to Adam. For the second night in a row, Bao Yu was sent outside with a pistol and told to fire three shots in the air. Adam needed help again, and Joe would once more have to ride for the doctor.

At the main house, Joe told his father he would go find out what was needed. Ben stayed at the house with Chris who luckily slept very soundly and never heard the gunshots and the commotion. Hop Sing did though, and volunteered to go to Adam's house for he feared that he might be needed. Ben left his bedroom door open and lay back staring at the ceiling. His son's nightmare seemed to get worse and worse.

Chapter 5

"He's going to be fine, Ben. The blow to his chest wasn't strong enough to penetrate. She hit a rib up high, and luckily she was too weak to drive the blade in any further. That wound is painful but not serious. He has a long gash across his back from her second try. I had to put twenty stitches in to close that one. He lost quite a bit of blood and was already weak from everything else he's had to endure. I'm prescribing a week of bed rest so try to get him to stay in that bed for at least a day or two."

"What about Patricia?"

"I'll see her next. Ben, I brought some restraints with me. I could use some help putting them on her."

"Is that necessary, Paul?"

Paul only needed to look at Ben to give him an answer, but he explained further. "She is delusional, and she has proven that she will act on those delusions. Now if she was rational, we might be able to predict what she would do next, but unfortunately there's no way to understand what's in her mind now. She is unpredictable and dangerous. I'm afraid that her disease has progressed far more than I thought."

"How long?"

Shrugging, Paul had no firm answer. "People have lived for years in this condition and others have died within weeks. It could be anything. Ben, you should get Adam to consider putting her in an institution. I know the idea is horrible to contemplate, but he has a son to consider. How can he raise Chris with Patricia like this?"

"He'll never do it."

"He might now that she has attacked him. She could do the same to Chris, and he's too young and small to fight her off. She will likely lash out at Chris verbally as well. From what you and Adam have told me, she probably already did that and that's why Chris doesn't want to be with her."

"What else can happen to her?"

"Her internal organs are probably damaged. If her heart is damaged, she could die any time. Her liver and kidneys could be damaged. If not, she could live for quite a while. Her eyes could be affected. She could lose her sight. Some are paralyzed in the late stages or lose so much coordination that they can't walk or do anything for themselves. It's a horrible way to die when it gets this severe."

"So it's restraints or laudanum. Those options are pretty horrible to consider too."

"You should see if Adam would consider the laudanum. She will become addicted and need more and more, but it will relieve her pain and make her more manageable. It would be a comfort to both of them, and make it possible for Chris to be here."

"I'll talk with Adam when he's feeling better. Can I see him now?"

"Yes, he refused the laudanum so he's probably still awake. He needs to sleep though so don't talk too long or about any of his troubles."

Nodding, Ben walked to the guest bedroom where Adam was resting. Bao Yu had not had time yet to change linens in Chris' room and wash up the blood that had spattered when Adam was struggling with Patricia. When Ben entered the room, Adam looked up at him. He was resting on his right side because of the wounds to his front and back. "I just came to see if you needed anything. I'm staying here, and I'll help with anything."

"I could use a glass of water. Whenever I try to sit up to get some, I get too dizzy."

After Ben poured a glass of water from the pitcher, he held it for Adam to drink. Adam drained the glass and then lay back and closed his eyes. Ben put his hand on his son's arm. "Go to sleep. You don't have anything else to do for a while." He got a small nod from Adam, and soon heard the soft steady breathing that indicated that his son had fallen asleep. He had to be exhausted so Ben hoped he might sleep until the next morning. He walked down the hall and checked in on Patricia who appeared to be sleeping peacefully as well. Paul had been waiting for Ben to arrive. He motioned for Ben to come in and they attached the restraints to Patricia's arms and then to the corners of the bed. She could move them enough to eat but wouldn't be able to hurt anyone nor harm herself in any serious way.

"She may react rather violently when she wakes and finds them on her, but sometimes patients actually seem to find the restraints comforting. It's something solid they can count on. There's no way of knowing how she will see them. With the laudanum, she may not even be that aware. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll talk with Adam to see what he wants to do from here on out."

"Thank you, Paul. Bao Yu has fixed some sandwiches if you'd like something to eat."

"I think I will take one with me if that's all right. I still have some other patients I need to see today. Then I'm hoping it's quiet. I really could use a good night's sleep."

When Paul left, Ben offered to help Bao Yu with cleaning up Chris' bedroom. Hop Sing was helping her try to restore order in the house and get some food prepared. Then he would have to head back to the main house and help get everything there done. They were grateful that Ben was willing to help and handed him a bucket of warm soapy water. Ben went up to the bedroom, and again had to pause to collect himself when he saw all the brown stains. He stripped the bed first, and then began systematically cleaning his son's blood from the bed frame, the wall, and the floor. He found the bloody knife that Patricia had used. It was from the kitchen. She had had the wherewithal to retrieve the knife and attack Adam despite her physical ailments from giving birth and the disease that was ravaging her. Paul had explained that for brief bursts of time, her delusional mind could ignore her physical ailments. That would be true until the damage progressed more. He had said that she had no signs of kidney or liver failure, and her heartbeat was strong. Sadly the damage was most severe in her brain. She had left them without being able to say goodbye. Paul had also said that she might have brief periods of lucidity but there had been no evidence of that yet. Perhaps when she recovered from the effects of the delivery, that could still happen. Ben prayed it would so that Adam could have some peace by being able to say things he needed to say to his wife before she died.

The next morning, Ben awakened from sleeping on the couch downstairs. He was momentarily disoriented but then remembered where he was. He wondered what had awakened him until he saw Adam working his way down the stairs.

"Son, you should still be in bed."

"Pa, I can't. I promise I will take it as easy as I can, but I can't lie there. I have to move. I looked in on Patricia. She's still sleeping, but what are those shackles doing on her?"

"They're not shackles. They're restraints. Paul brought them so that she can't hurt herself or others. She can still sit up. She can feed herself, but she can't get out of the bed and she likely won't be able to harm herself. When she needs to use the commode, we can lengthen the strap on one to let her move to the side of the bed. Son, it's very sad but necessary."

Walking to the chair opposite Ben in front of the fireplace, Adam sat and dropped his forehead into his right hand. "I suppose she's dosed with laudanum too?"

"Yes. Paul is going to be back today so he can talk to you about things like that. You'll need to make some decisions about Patricia's care."

Suspecting correctly what was likely to be recommended, Adam shook his head. "I won't put her in an institution. People are treated like animals there."

"I told Paul that you wouldn't. But then we need to discuss the alternatives especially if you want Chris to live here with you and be safe."

"I do, but you're right. He's not safe here now. I dread to think of what would have happened if she had gone after Chris for any reason. I still don't know how she had the strength to attack me."

So Ben spent the next hour explaining things that Paul had told him the day before and discussing with Adam some possibilities for Patricia's care. Bao Yu brought out coffee and asked if they wanted breakfast. She brought plates to them as they talked. Adam found that he was ravenous and asked for more food. It was at that point that he realized he had not eaten in over a day. He asked if Patricia had been given food. Bao Yu said she was drinking broth and eating soft foods at every meal so Adam was relieved about that. By the time Paul arrived, Adam was ready to make some decisions. Paul was upset to see Adam out of bed, but Adam told Paul the same thing he had told his father.

"I'm going to hold you to that, Adam. You need to take it easy for the next week. If you want to take care of your son and your wife, you need to take care of yourself first. Now you said you had made some decisions. Care to share those with me?"

So Adam explained that he wanted to hire a caregiver for Patricia who could also help with Chris. Paul had someone in mind for the job so Adam told him to go ahead and send her to the house. For the next few weeks, one of the Ponderosa hands would also live in the tack room in the stable that would be converted into a room. With a cot, lamp, and dresser, it would work well. Adam already had put a small stove in there so he would be able to work there during cold weather. Chris would come home once the two helpers were working. They would use the restraints on Patricia and give her low doses of laudanum to ease any discomfort she had. Her caregiver would use the guest bedroom upstairs and Adam would sleep on a cot in his office. Paul was impressed because it seemed all contingencies had been covered. Then he had Adam remove his shirt and he changed the bandages noting that the wounds were healing normally with little sign of infection. He cleaned up small amounts of drainage and left instructions that Bao Yu or Hop Sing was to do the same every day for the next week until the stitches could be removed.

"I'll send Mrs. Devry over here as soon as I get to town. She lost her husband in a mine accident over two months ago and needs the work. She's worked as a nurse a number of times. She's a strong woman. Now she does tend to speak her mind with no thought to diplomacy, but just remember she means well, and you'll always know where you stand with her. She's as honest a person as I have ever met. Too honest for some people, but I find her candor refreshing." With that assessment, all three expected that Adam would have some confrontations with her, but he tended toward brutal honesty himself at times, and Paul hoped she would respect that.

For the next two days, Adam, Bao Yu, and Mrs. Devry had to learn to adjust to each other and Mrs. Devry had to get used to her duties with Patricia. Chris was not going to come home until the household was quiet and running smoothly. Mrs. Devry did not invite anyone to call her by her given name as she thought a professional relationship should be maintained. She didn't like Adam much but she needed the job. She found him dour and stubborn at his best, and ornery and mule-headed at his worst. With her experience in nursing terminal patients, she didn't expect to have this job long enough for any true animosity to develop. Despite what the doctor had said, she thought that Patricia's downward spiral was continuing unabated. Her patient was listless most days and cooperative in her care needs. She ate when food was given to her, and allowed herself to be bathed and assisted to the commode as necessary.

Once the routine was established, Chris came home, and for the first time, Mrs. Devry saw Adam have an expression other than a frown. She still didn't care for him, but saw him as more human when he was with his son. Then she got an eye opener when Patricia finally allowed Adam into their bedroom for a visit. Patricia had yelled at him each time she saw him but after a few days, she asked whom he was when he stopped at the doorway to see how she was doing. He came inside and sat by the bed taking Patricia's hand in his.

"You're very handsome. I have a husband, Adam. He's very handsome too. Have you seen him? He hasn't been here for days."

"I see him every morning when he shaves. He misses you very much. He loves you like no other."

"Oh, did he tell you that? That's wonderful. I wish he would come see me though. I miss him so much. We're going to get married soon. He said that as soon as the city offices opened on Monday, we're getting married."

"That's wonderful. I know you're going to be very happy."

"Yes, I'm sure of that too. I'm tired now. Will you tell Adam to come see me when he can please? I know he works so hard, but he needs to rest some time too."

"I'll tell him. He'll come see you soon, I'm sure."

As Patricia lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes, Adam bent down and kissed the back of her hand before laying it gently on the bed. He stood and left the room, and Mrs. Devry was sure she saw tears on his cheeks. She was amazed at this side of her employer and wondered if what she had seen previously was his way of trying to protect himself from more hurt or even letting some of the hurt out in the only way he knew how to do it.

Each morning and afternoon, Adam's father or a brother would visit. Gradually Mrs. Devry got to know them. She especially enjoyed Hoss' visits. His gentle support of his brother was touching. Often in just a few words, he was able to boost Adam's spirit. Chris enjoyed all of the visits by his extended family, and within days, Mrs. Devry adored him. She had never met such a charming and curious boy. The two of them talked, read, drew, and did various other activities when Patricia was sleeping or resting. Ben arrived one day when the two of them were eating cookies and drinking milk at the small table near the fireplace, and Adam was putting a picket fence around the plot that contained his daughter's grave. As usual, Chris was asking questions, and Mrs. Devry was doing her best to answer them. Ben could only smile.

"He's exactly like his father. Adam was just like that as a boy. He was curious about everything and enjoyed hearing the answers. And when he wanted to and could overcome his shyness, he could charm anyone into getting what he wanted."

Surprised to hear Adam described that way, Mrs. Devry had only one question. "What happened to him?"

"Life. Life threw a lot of terrible things at him. He's had a lot to bear." So Ben spent that visit talking about his son as a youth and young man, and then spent some time talking about Adam and Patricia. Mrs. Devry and Chris sat spellbound by the story that seemed to be more like a novel than a real person's life. Chris had a lot of questions ready for his father after that session.

Chapter 6

"Papa, do you bust horses?"

"Bust horses?"

"Grandpa told me you ride horses and bust them."

"Break them?" At Chris' nod, Adam had to smile. "It's taming them so they can be ridden by others. I don't do much of that any more. Your Uncle Joe still does a lot of it."

"When you do it again, can I watch?"

"May I watch?"

"Oh, Papa, I don't do that yet. I want to watch you do it."

Grinning at his failed attempt to correct his son's grammar, Adam scooped him up and deposited him on his lap. "Yes, son, the next time I do that, you may watch." He realized then that it had not hurt to pick up his son and also realized he probably shouldn't have done that when he still had stitches in. But Paul had said he was going to remove them the next day, so he wasn't too worried.

"Papa, where were you when Grandpa was here?"

"I was putting up a little fence around where Violet is. It looks nicer there now. Would you like to help me plant some flowers there tomorrow?" Chris nodded in response. "I've got a small bench I want to move there too so it's easier to go visit."

"Papa, is Violet down there in the ground?"

"Yes, that's what happens when someone goes to heaven. The person's heart and soul go to heaven, and we have to put their body to rest in the earth."

"I don't want to go there. I want to go up in the sky to the Big Dipper."

"Son, you don't have to worry about that for a long time."

"But what about Mama? She's real sick, you said. Is she going to have to go in the ground too? I don't want her to."

"Mama will leave us, son. She is very sick, and she won't get better."

"Why don't you do something? When I was sick, you sat with me and gave me stuff, so I got better. Can't you make Mama better?"

Adam had to choke back his tears. He had to stay strong for his son. "I can't. Mama is too sick. All we can do is visit her when she wants, and try to keep her comfortable."

Chris seemed to sense his father's sorrow, and he wrapped his arms around his father's neck and hugged as tight as he could. And Adam began visiting with Patricia frequently and keeping Chris on his lap when he did so. Patricia was becoming lethargic and Adam asked Mrs. Devry if she thought the restraints were necessary. They agreed that during the day, they would remove them. That way, Chris no longer saw his mother in the restraints. Sometimes Patricia knew who Adam and Chris were but didn't recognize the two in front of her as that husband and son. Other times she asked questions as if her husband and child were strangers. Adam hurt deeply with each of those visits as the pain cut into his heart, but he kept the conversation light and airy for his son's benefit and because he didn't want to upset Patricia by trying to get her to remember things she no longer knew. The times when she knew that she had a husband and son grew to be less and less often until she no longer knew and spoke like a child when they visited. She was becoming quite thin, and one morning only about a month and a half after Mrs. Devry arrived to begin caring for Patricia, she appeared at Adam's office door one morning with bad news.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Cartwright, but there are signs that your wife's kidneys and liver are not functioning well. I think it would be prudent for you to ask Doctor Martin to see her."

Adam asked and Mrs. Devry explained. Adam went up to see his wife, and realized that in the morning light, he could see the signs of mild jaundice too. He accepted that the other things Mrs. Devry said were also true. He kissed his wife on the forehead as she slept before he left to get the doctor. Paul was busy with several patients and said he would get out to the house as soon as he could. Paul knew that whether he hurried or not, the result was going to be the same. Once he arrived at Adam's house, he confirmed Mrs. Devry's evaluation. Patricia's kidneys and liver were failing. She probably had only a few days to live. Mrs. Devry and Adam took turns sitting with Patricia who looked like she was sleeping but had fallen into a coma and was not likely to regain consciousness. Paul told them that she might be able to hear them if they talked, but that she was unlikely to be able to respond.

One night as Mrs. Devry kept watch over her patient, she heard someone leave the house and looking out the window, she saw Adam walk up the hill to his daughter's gravesite. He had his pants and boots on but carried his shirt. When he reached the white picket fence, he dropped to the ground, and she couldn't tell what he was doing in the shade of that tree in the moonlight, but she could guess. He was probably grieving and possibly crying, and he was also probably asking for forgiveness. She knew now that he blamed himself for what had happened to his daughter and for not realizing that his wife was so ill. There was no reason for him to feel guilty, but Hoss had told her that he did because Adam always felt guilty when those close to him suffered. He always thought he should have foreseen what was coming and done something to prevent it. Mrs. Devry thought it was a case of Adam thinking far too much of himself, but Hoss told her it was because ever since he was about six years old, he had to care for his younger brothers, first Hoss and later Joe too.

That night she watched until she saw Adam return to the house. He didn't come inside, and she guessed he was sitting on the porch looking at the stars. He did that quite often. She went back and sat in the chair by the bed. She didn't hear any of the softly rasping breaths that had become the norm over the past few days. She reached out her hand and placed it over Patricia's heart. Her heartbeat was extremely slow. Mrs. Devry hurried down the stairs to tell her employer that his wife was nearly gone. Adam reached the bedroom as fast as he could. He did as Mrs. Devry had done, and at first, he felt no heart beat at all. Then he felt one, then two, and that was it. She was warm, but that would soon be gone as well. He dropped his head into his hands and wept for all the dreams that died with his wife.

In the morning, he had to tell Chris that his mother had died. He didn't want Chris to see her and have that as his last memory of what his mother looked. Instead, he got a portrait miniature of Patricia and sat with that as he explained to Chris what would happen. Then he rode to tell his family the sad news and to discuss with them who should be notified. The day was relatively calm. When it grew dark that night, Adam and Chris sat on the porch so Adam could show Chris the Big Dipper and tell him which star was his mother.

The next day there was a small private wake and burial. Only the closest friends of the family were invited to attend. There was so much gossip in town about Adam and Patricia that Adam didn't want to give them any more ammunition. He wanted to give whatever peace to his wife that he could. He stood at the grave as the dirt was shoveled in with Chris' hand held tightly in his. Then he laid flowers over the top and handed some to Chris to do the same. Next he hammered in the marker that Hoss had carved to match the one he had carved for Violet. Someday, Adam planned on stone markers, but those carved by his brother were more meaningful so he wanted them to be there as long as possible. He held the hammer and asked Chris to help with the last few hits. Finally, father and son walked hand-in-hand to the house leading the other mourners.

In the house, there was a buffet for those attending. Bao Yu and Hop Sing had gone all out to prepare dishes that they knew Patricia had liked so they could share them. Adam was quiet and withdrawn as was his son. Ben worried as much about him now as he had when they had first found out that Patricia would die. Adam had a tendency to keep too much inside, and Ben had to wonder what he was thinking and planning. He hoped he wouldn't leave but knew he might want to escape all the reminders. Finally he got beside his son and asked.

"Don't worry, Pa. I'm staying right here. I've still got a business to run, and I've neglected my duties on the Ponderosa long enough. Chris needs the stability of the ranch, his home, and his family."

"Do you need help with anything?"

"I don't know. I've asked Mrs. Devry to stay on to be a nanny to Chris. She hasn't given me an answer. I don't think she likes me much, but I thought that she liked Chris well enough to take the job. If she doesn't, I'll need some help with Chris until I can make other arrangements."

"You should ask Hoss to see if he can convince her."

"Hoss?"

"You probably haven't noticed because you've had so much to worry about, but Hoss and Kay have become very close."  
"Kay?"

"Yes, her name is Kathleen, but her friends call her Kay."

"I guess I'm not a friend then."

"You're her employer. She doesn't want to be too familiar. She would be a good friend if you let her though."

Not acknowledging that, Adam said he would talk to Hoss to see if he would help. It would be much easier if Mrs. Devry would agree to stay on. Hoss asked Mrs. Devry to walk with him so they could talk.

"Kay, Adam said he asked you to stay on to care for Chris. I wish you'd consider saying yes."


End file.
